Written by Aiste ꕤ
I love to think about love. I like imagining different scenarios in my head that will never probably come true. Not that I even wanted to. I think for me it‘s just an emotional value such thoughts give. And the reason for that is not because I‘m unhappy with my real life. As cliché as it sounds, I honestly believe that we create everything ourselves, and that all of the experiences, friendships and relationships we had before, led us to where we are today.
I am still a very young person so I cannot share my truly deep wisdom about feelings and love encounters. More so, I cannot really cry about my sad love experiences. I had people hurting me, friends leaving, but it‘s just how life works, and overall, I somehow have always had this good feeling about people surrounding me.
The reason I‘m writing this post isn’t because I want to influence you or take this platform as a shoulder to cry on. I talked about such things with a few like-minded friends with whom we always tend to discuss life. I remember trying so hard to express my thoughts and just couldn’t as it was simply too personal to put in words. Then I heard ‘‘I totally get you! This is what I like to think about as well.‘‘ Thus, I thought, maybe someone out there will feel the same way while reading this kinda-interesting-but-not-making-any-sense-at-all text. That’s why I will try to put at least a bit of what’s going on in my head.
What is one of rather special mysteries in life for me is the different ways each of us understand love. Not only the notion itself, but our feelings for different people, which I always tend to analyse. We say we love our friends, we love our family, our pets, our boyfriends and girlfriends. And it‘s not about who we love more and who we love less. Even if, is it possible to define that? Can love just be positioned on a scale from 0 to 10 identifying how much you really love someone?
When I was much younger I used to hear people saying ”I love you so much it hurts.‘’ I thought, wow, what is this nonsense? Why does it have to hurt? Or ”loving someone that much you want to cry.‘’ Then I grew. And I felt that once. The feeling of thinking about losing a person hurt. Not that I was about to. Just looking at someone and thinking: ‘‘Damn what happens if they just disappear?‘‘
There are people I love in a way I always put them before others. Sometimes even myself. Unintentionally giving them a bigger pizza slice without even thinking about it. And with others it‘s like: ‘‘hey dude why have you just eaten that last piece of pie?!‘‘ And yeah, sometimes it‘s because you know a person so well you can allow yourself to be a bit selfish. You know they won‘t go around telling others how unfair you were last night when you demolished that apple pie. Maybe it‘s not even about identifying the way you love someone, rather about the relationship you two have built, knowing each others traits, thoughts and actions in particular situations. Are these things in play while we try our best to define our love to someone without simply saying ‘I love You’?
”I would die for people I love.” For some, dying is easier than spending the whole life in one room with no people around. Not even taking about the moral factor that would kill me from the inside for the rest of my life. ”Would you kill for a person you love?” Firstly, I don’t think you can ever answer such questions properly, as it’s impossible to imagine how you would actually act in such extreme situations. However, if someone asked me now, I would confidently say yes. We have been fighting our whole childhood and even now there are so many times we just annoy each other to the point we can say ‘I hate you’ straight into the eyes. But when I tried to describe my love for her in my mind, I realised it‘s the type of love that is not similar to any of others. Yeah, sisterhood love if you will. But also the one I could do anything for. I could do anything for her to be happy. But it doesn‘t hurt to love her. I don’t want to cry about it, I certainly don‘t want to party with her everyday, and sometimes I feel glad to be away.
When I was about 10 years old, me and my dad went skiing. They have these ski lifts where you have quite some time until you reach the top. They usually play different songs and the song that was playing at that time was ‘Goodbye my lover’ by James Blunt. I remember liking the melody of the song but hating every single word of it. I couldn’t speak English really well at that point but it was enough for me to understand the context of the song. I couldn’t stand it for longer so I just asked my dad: ‘’Dad, why does he say goodbye but then he says lover?’’ He said something about love being a bit complicated sometimes, but I just didn’t seem to agree with that. ‘’No, but why would you say goodbye to someone you love?!’’ This is a true story and I remember my whole childhood hating on the song and on how illogical James Blunt was.
We don’t have to love everyone in the same way. We don’t have to worry about if we love someone as much as they love us or if it’s wrong to love many people at the same time. What I have learned is that there are millions of different ways to express love and even more ways to feel it. And sometimes loving can hurt when you begin to relate to James Blunt. However, I still think love is a special thing. And even though sometimes you cannot choose who you love and how you love, you can always choose how to act.
See you soon!